Deep listening

What a ride it has been over the past several months! How can I begin to share the graces that have been bearing fruit in my life during a long hiatus from this blog? If you read my last post from back in August, you know I am preparing for a possible move into higher ed administration, based on a leisurely exploration of the movement of spirits as I consider my response to what God invites me to in continued discernment of some major life directions on a number of fronts.

The big story has been a notable flood of consolation as I continue to live into the questions that new insights and deepening relationship with God place before me at the beginning of a new life stage in my journey, feeling more alive than ever. What’s amazing to me is that despite the incredible stores of energy this inner work has been uncovering and stoking, my seeming inability, disinterest, or simply lack of time have prevented my from finding and expressing the words to share this experience with you all. Even as I write this, I am experiencing a bone-tired, sleepy fatigue brought on by a combination of sleep deprivation and lingering symptoms from a nasty flu bug that had me down for over a week. Still, I find it important to return to the discipline of at least attempting to tell this unfolding story.

For now, I’ll simply name one of the fruits that has been showing up in my life — a laser-focused capacity for deep listening to both the gross and the subtle stirrings of spirits in relation to critical individual and communal discernment processes in which I am currently engaged. As an example, let’s take my personal discernment around a possible significant shift in ministerial focus. The thought of possibly of serving my undergrad alma mater as an academic leader has been growing in me with a surprising rush of deepening zeal for our mission of educating the whole person in the context of a student-centered urban Catholic university. Exploring this, knowing that the odds of an internal candidate emerging as the top choice in a national search can be slim, has kicked up some of those old messages of self-doubt that are grounded in myth rather than reality.

At a critical moment when those old tapes could have caused me to sabotage myself, God visited me in the form of two colleagues who risked sharing with me how my desperate efforts to banish my insecurity and anxiety about the process created a false impression of smug arrogance in my interactions with colleagues. What I came to realize is that despite the authentic sense that it is time to do the leadership thing, even if it is not possible to do so at this place and in this city and with these students and colleagues, I am not yet ready to follow through on my “Plan B” should the position here not work out. The thought that I might be faced with a choice of a definite offer from another institution that is further along in its process before knowing where I stand for a position here that has not yet even been formally announced really kicked up my anxiety a few notches.

Thank God, the abundant grace to be able to listen deeply to both the gross and the subtle stirrings of spirits helped me to discern that the self-defeating anxiety manifesting as cockiness was not of God. Instead of reacting defensively to what I could have perceived as negative criticism from my colleagues, I was able to hear their experience of me in a way that helped me to discover and name a reality for myself that has brought me to a place of deeper authenticity and readiness to serve. Stated simply, I discovered that I am so deeply in love with this city, and this institution’s commitment to its urban mission in its own scrappy, blue collar kind of way, that I could not bear the thought of being so ready to jump ship as a reaction to things not “going my way” in the search process. I realized that participating in other searches as a back-up plan was creating added anxiety for me that would actually sabotage an authentic discernment of God’s desire for me if I proceeded as planned. The decision to focus on finding a life-giving way to stay at my beloved UDM, with opportunities to share and further develop my emerging gifts as a leader might open a door for me, even if what I perceive as the “dream job” remains beyond my reach.

Letting God be in charge is no easy thing, especially for someone who has a Ph.D. in stability theory and its application to control systems — a bona fide “control freak” — and yet, I have a deep and abiding trust that it is in the letting go that I am able to receive the fullness of God’s gifts to me that are always YES.

Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I vow to cultivate loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I vow to learn to speak truthfully, with words that inspire self-confidence, joy, and hope. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain and not to criticize or condemn things of which I am not sure. I will refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord, or that can cause the family or the community to break. I will make all efforts to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small.

– Thich Nhat Hanh