By Sandy, csj, on June 14th, 2011  Beautiful day in the D, and a keen sense that Spirit is indeed alive and kicking…more about that in a future post. Today, I would like to share a little more of the graces of retreat, as I believe that the deepest graces I receive are not just for me, but are meant for others.
Those of you who may be in one of the women’s singing circles inspired by Carolyn McDade will no doubt recognize this title as the name of her current project that will be recorded later this summer by a group of women representing different circles around North America.
The phrase is also part of one of my favorite songs on the last release (My Heart is Moved). ”Within All Things” is the name of the song, and it was one of a number that was played over and over again as I sat quietly in God’s presence those days of retreat. I won’t give you all the words, but just to give you a flavor…
O Ardent One, O Yield of Dreams,
Who call Earth’s people home
To make of love a greater love
And pass the living flame.
You are the love within all things,
A widening embrace,
A flame that weeps, and launches joy,
To leap through realms of grace.
Are we not born to love this life,
To make the wounded whole,
To plunge the chasms of despair
And lift the singing bird.
For some reason, this song echoed somewhere deep in me, and it continues to call to me as I inhabit these full days that follow my retreat. It seems to me that this widening embrace is something to which I feel impelled to give witness. This greater love is ready to burst forth in ways beyond our imagining, and I just have a sense that I’m meant to go along for the ride, wherever it takes me.
How about you? Is your seat belt fastened?
By Sandy, csj, on June 7th, 2011 During my retreat, one of a number of things that came to mind as describing God’s invitation to me came from one of our original documents, written by our founder, Fr. Jean-Pierre Medaille, SJ and published in 1672. Here is a brief excerpt from the “Maxims of Perfection”:
As for your zeal, it will always be proportionate to the love for God in your heart; see that it springs from a great love and it will be great.
A more contemporary statement of this maxim from Claire Olivier, CSJ reads:
My enthusiasm and the energy I expend for God’s cause are proportionate to the love for God I have in my heart. If I am “madly in love,” I will do great things for God.
Note that this zeal for God’s work is sourced in love, not anger, no matter how righteous the cause. Until I am able to get to this place of love for those who offend me, I am better off holding my tongue. I think this is a lesson in nonviolence for me.
As you know, here on this blog, I do not shy away from matters of controversy where passion can run high on both sides of an issue. And you have probably noticed that I express my views as much as possible with deep respect for those who see things differently than I do.
Now here’s the honest truth I discovered about myself during retreat. My passion for what I believe is right/just is just as strong as anyone else’s, and for quite a while, a part of me had been feeling “un-free” to express what I truly believe and think about some issues (especially regarding my relationship to the institutional Church as a vowed religious). Even though I speak only for myself here, what I do say reflects on my religious community. For some reason, I thought that considering very carefully how I want to express my views was a form of censorship, and that I would be freer if I could just come out with all that passion and “righteous” anger, not having to worry about taking anyone else down with me.
One of the great graces of retreat for me was the realization that this unfreedom was an inside job, not something to blame anyone else for. What I came to see was that my care to express my views with respect is more true to how I really desire to walk in this world than to go with my knee-jerk reactions to everything. The true “unfreedom” would have been lashing out before getting to that place of love for another. As an avid student of nonviolent resistance, it’s hard to believe I didn’t see this until last week…
Confronting this “unfreedom” last week was a watershed moment for me in my retreat. As painful as this realization was, a deep joy soon followed, because what I once experienced as a lack of freedom, is really a response to a profound grace. To know that I can get to a place of love for those who oppose me or my ideas is not something I would have thought remotely possible for me. I know I will fail frequently at it, and not do it perfectly, but the fact that I desire this and am willing to practice it with intention is pure gift.
May your own zeal for God’s cause be great!
By Sandy, csj, on June 4th, 2011 Dear friends,
Those of you who make regular spiritual retreats will relate to that summary of the retreat I finished today. God is good, no surprises there. Thank you for your prayers…I’m sure I got exactly what I need to sustain me for the next piece of the journey.
I’ll be unpacking some of the graces from this sacred time here on this blog as time permits…I would guess that most of the themes that arise in our spiritual journeys tend to have some common elements, and sharing some of these with fellow seekers is something I find reassuring – reminding myself that the liminal space in which I’ve been submerged for the past week is no less real than the everyday life I return to tomorrow.
For now, allow this title song from Earth Mama’s “Love Large” album to serve as a summary of the main theme from my retreat.
Here are the lyrics:
LOVE LARGE
by Joyce Johnson Rouse
There is a love so great I cannot get my words around it
It is bigger than the heavens and the seas
I do believe this love is growing ever stronger
But it needs a little help from you and me to
Love Large, larger than you have ever seen
Love Large, larger than you can even dream
If you believe in your heart of hearts
That love can change the world
We can learn to love ourselves and everybody else
And Love Large
Sometimes loving large means hanging on a little longer
Sometimes all it means is letting go
If you listen to the still small voice there in your heart
It will tell you all you need to know to
Love Large, larger than you have ever seen
Love Large, larger than you can even dream
If you believe in your heart of hearts
That love can change the world
We can all forgive ourselves and everybody else
And Love Large
By Sandy, csj, on May 27th, 2011 
Is change a dirty word to you? I know, all of us have our moments when we embrace change, and then there are the moments when we resist it. I am no exception, though it seems to me that my intellectual curiosity and my identity as a Sister of St. Joseph always called to “the MORE,” put me a little closer to the “embracing” end of the spectrum. As an engineer, I often try to think of new ways to engage my students in projects that will make life better or easier for a person or organization. And if it weren’t for the vow of poverty, I’d probably be even an earlier adopter of new technology than I already am. (Think techie nun on steroids.)
You haven’t heard from me lately because I’ve been needing to spend some focused time and attention in my personal relationship with God in prayer and discernment about some major life decisions, while continuing to work at my usual busy pace. I still have my annual 8-day retreat starting tomorrow, so I’ll be disappearing again for a week, but before I “dive deep”, I thought I’d share with you some thoughts about God’s way with me lately…get comfortable…this will take you a while to read, and I hope it will engage your soul…
My discernment is on two fronts. In my work, I’ve been feeling an attraction to higher education leadership, and so in the coming year, I will be applying for (Engineering/Science/Technology) Dean’s positions, and if some school is wise enough to hire me, I hope to begin that in July 2012. I would like to stay in Detroit to do that, but it’s time for me to make the move even if I can’t.
On a more comprehensive level, I find myself simultaneously in active grief, wild excitement, and a deep conviction that God is doing something new in me that cannot be put on hold. I deeply hope that it is also something to which God is inviting us as Baden CSJ’s and that we will respond together.
As many of you know, religious orders like mine, the Sisters of St. Joseph, are experiencing diminishment on multiple levels – age, numbers, finances, energy, leadership… These are times that call for radical trust in God, wild imagination, and bold action. I tend to be someone who pushes the envelope a bit, so while the immediacy of some of the threats facing us is a little scary, it’s nothing new…we’ve known for over 20 years that this time was coming. I’ve been dreaming for at least 15 of those years that we would get out in front of the “tsunami” and re-create a new, more inclusive way of being CSJ that would be attractive and compelling for many people who are seeking the union with God, each other, and the dear neighbor which we mysteriously call the “total double union.” I have some ideas about that, as yet not fully developed, but that’s for another time.
My grief, besides the grief that comes with ongoing and inexorable diminishment, comes from a deep sense that it might be too late for us, at least here in Baden. The sense of urgency we have finally managed to get in touch with would have been more useful 10-15 years ago. As it is, I’m noticing that even among some folks my age and younger, the immediacy of the challenges facing us is almost paralyzing, and there really is very little we can do to alter our trajectory if we limit ourselves to the kind of evolutionary change that seems comfortable and safe.
In my preparation for academic administration, I’m learning a lot about how to lead change in organizations. The concept of disruptive innovation seems to speak to me as I think about the future of religious life here in North America. It’s exciting to think of the possibility of going bravely into the future in a new way that we cannot yet even imagine. Risk is scary, especially in the face of very real threats of swift and draconian ecclesiastical reactions to innovation, but remaining too risk-averse prevents the emergence of the creativity needed to move forward. Added to this is the very real question of energy for creativity and transformation. We all know that energy tends to diminish in the aging process, so it seems to me that it would be perilous to delay for long. (Those in their 30′s and 40′s may still have some time to further ponder future options, but as a woman in my 50′s, the options I have now will quickly close off as I wait to see if we will choose a viable future and still have the energy to enact it.)
I thank God for the very difficult things I’ve had to work through in my personal life. I finally learned about 12 years ago that I was done with living in fear, and that has made a world of difference in my self-esteem and my relationships to the people and organizations I encounter every day.
And so, my friends, it is becoming clearer to me that it is time to respond to this great invitation that God has been waiting for me to accept, whether or not we do it together. Gulp! It tears me up just thinking that! Yet in my heart of hearts, I know that living with integrity this great passion for mutuality, nonviolence, and continual conversion requires a willingness let go and trust God, no matter what the cost.
I ask your prayers for me and for my cherished sisters. We have our next Chapter in a couple of years, and I don’t think it’s too melodramatic to say that it is our very existence that is at stake. I pray that we may be open to the Spirit so as to discern whether we have a future as a re-founded and re-energized community, or whether it is time to let go of denial and attend to a graced ending to this era, present to each other in our gratitude and our grief, trusting that God’s work in others will continue the mission of unioning love.
By Sandy, csj, on April 19th, 2011  This was the theme for a conference sponsored by New Ways Ministry held over the weekend. It was a deep privilege for me to be part of a wonderful planning committee and to be a facilitator for the conference. A sacred time of sharing the personal and communal challenges concerning the issue of lesbian religious, it was fitting that we gathered the weekend just preceding Holy Week.
We’ve had some initial positive feedback about the conference, and I hope that all present (especially congregational/provinicial leaders and formators) left the meeting with a deeper appreciation for the struggles faced by women in their own congregations who desire to live this religious life with authenticity and without fear of rejection because they happen to be lesbian.
It troubles me greatly to consider that there may be women in my own and other congregations who are afraid to simply be who they are for fear of the climate of homophobia that pervades our Church. This has gone largely unaddressed in many communities, perhaps partly out of fear to be seen as sympathetic to what the Church officially calls a disorder. I’ll never forget the time a sister in her 70′s at one of the New Ways meetings shared that she felt she was dying spiritually because she had been closeted so long and didn’t feel safe coming out to the women in her congregation. My heart broke for her, and for so many unknown others who are forced into a kind of spiritual exile because of the sin of heterosexism.
How ironic that a lifestyle that attracts women called to celibacy can also be inhospitable to those from whom the Church demands compulsory celibacy because of their same-sex attractions.
May we all have the courage to come home to who we really are and are called to be before God, no matter what our orientation may be. And may we work to make our homes, workplaces, and places of worship more welcoming to those with whom Jesus would have dined, but who are treated as outcasts by those who profess to follow him.
Have a blessed Holy Week, all!
By Sandy, csj, on March 31st, 2011  Those of us Roman Catholics who live in Michigan are likely to be familiar with the “Little Books” put out by the Diocese of Saginaw for reflection at various times of the year, such as Advent, Lent, Easter. In Lent, it’s the little BLACK book, and I am finding this year’s reflections to be especially meaningful during my Lenten journey this time around. To spend a little time each day, reflecting on different pieces of the Sunday Gospel (which this week, is the woman at the well) really helps the scripture and Jesus’ message come alive in me.
I’ve been thinking about yesterday’s reflection about Jesus offering the woman living water, and her pointing out that he didn’t have a bucket. How often do I misunderstand God’s invitation to me? When I do, it is often due to a similar lack of imagination. Somehow, I can’t imagine that God would want to be so lavish with me, and so I “dumb down” what God is inviting me to, and keep plugging away, trying to keep my life as predictable as possible…
You know what? That doesn’t really work for me. My all too human and understandable desire to control and manage what happens to me takes a hidden toll. For no obvious reason, I begin to feel in a rut, feeling something is not quite right, and my brain chemistry tends to amplify the feelings of alienation.
The way out? Really receiving the abundance that God is offering me these days, and not trying to force it into preconceived notions of what I envision my life to be about. God is NOT in a box, and to the extent that I keep my dreams and desires trapped in a box, I will be unable to connect with this lavish God. Living out of the box…messy? At times, you bet! But with God, the adventure is worth the risk!
By Sandy, csj, on March 23rd, 2011  Ahh…the schedule of college students…a CLC meeting at 9pm followed by Mass at 10. Six a.m. came early for me today…but I digress…
Our question for reflection last night was about mission, what is my sense of my own mission, how does God invite me to enflesh the mission of Jesus?
Now, it is quite possible that I’m going through an episode of what is called “terminal uniqueness” in the sobriety community, but I imagine my “mission” as trying to add a “little somethin’ extra” in various situtations and in relationship to others I encounter in those situations.
Certainly that is true in my music ministry at church…I listen to the vocalists and other instrumentalists, and let God use me to add to the beauty that is already happening. These days at work have me advising students, some of whom are having a rough go of it academically, and I try to meet them on the level they need - kind of a “ministry of presence.”
When I am having conversations about things that matter deeply to me with others, whether they be family/friends, my CLC community, the student CLC community, my sisters in community, I hope my manner of listening and sharing reveals even a small dose of how much in love I am with God, even if only occasionally, like little sparks here and there.
Sometimes that “little somethin’ extra” is less a delight to others, and more like a burr under the saddle, an eyelash in the eye, a stone in the shoe… It might be a serious conversation with a student about her/his less-than-stellar academic performance. It might be a challenge to “the way we do things”, whether at work, in community, in society, in the Church. It might be a lament about how far short I/we fall as an individual, a community, a church, a nation, a society in answering God’s invitation to imitate Jesus.
I believe we all have “a little somthin’ extra” to give to each other. This Lent, I intend to be a little more intentional about what I add to the mix, asking God to use me to transform situations that need healing and reconciliation.
By Sandy, csj, on March 18th, 2011 
On Sunday I returned from Dubuque, Iowa by way of Chicago, after visiting the LCWR exhibit, “Women and Spirit” at the Mississippi River Museum. A friend who is a BVM sister provided wonderful hospitality for 7 of us, and we had a nice time catching up with each other this weekend…
If you have a chance to view the exhibit and have not yet had the opportunity, please do try to get to it. I hear that it is going to be at Notre Dame at some point, which is closer to Detroit and Pittsburgh than Iowa.
The stories of the many orders of Catholic women religious who came to the U.S., mostly in the 19th century are truly amazing. That they’ve been able to provide so much with so little is a challenge to us today who have so many creature comforts. The exhibit is also straightforward in naming the less inspiring moments in our histories, such as the ownership of slaves by some of the communities, and the classism that privileged some sisters above those from a lower socio-economic status.
I couldn’t help but reflect that the ”out-of-the-box” thinking that characterized many of the decisions made by sisters in response to legal and ecclesiastical obstacles speaks to me of our need today to remain faithful to the mission of Jesus in the face of opposition from those who would try to limit our agency in the church and the world.
When affected by clericalism and patriarchy in the RC Church, leaders in my own Congregation have often repeated, almost as a litany, “…but we need to remain in dialog with the institutional Church,” in response to the extreme distress and frustration many of our members experience. For a long time, my question has been, “How does one stay in dialog when the other party is not available for REAL dialog?”
Perhaps, in the wake of visitations and investigations, and other instances of the abuse of power, we women religious in North America will learn to stand strongly in a place of refusal to participate in our own and/or others’ oppression. May it be so!
By Sandy, csj, on March 11th, 2011 
Happy Lent, all! What?! “HAPPY” Lent?! What’s happy about a time when we are invited to do penance for our sinfulness, perhaps depriving ourselves of some big or small pleasures?
Well since I haven’t updated this blog in quite a while, let me just say that I’ve been experiencing a bit of a dip in my energy for everyday work, which leaves me scrambling to get school work done, let alone any serious non-work-related writing. The only thing allowing me to address you now is a train trip on which I’ve finished some work, but am saving other work for later…
There’s a different quality to this low-energy mode this time though…when it is depression or some other malady, I often lose my desire to pray, spend time with God. This seems different…my desire for God seems intact, even if I don’t notice so much going on in this relationship. Instead, I have a sense that my inner self is doing some important spiritual work that does not yet rise to the level of my consciousness.
So while I’m not feeling the “warm fuzzy” part of consolation these days, I am as convinced as ever that God is with me, helping me to prepare for what comes next in this great adventure. I have a sense that I am in a graced moment, being prepared for a time of profound transformation. My hope is that it has something to do with new life for us (my sisters) as women of Joseph, not just for me.
The last time I felt this way so strongly, that I was being prepared for something wonderful, yet difficult was right before I entered the novitiate. And it turned out that the transformation to which God was inviting me to at that time was not what I expected (the changes associated with entering religious life), but came as a sudden realization that my use of alcohol was unhealthy and I needed to deal with that…
So what now? Hard to say… But I treasure these days of Lent as an invitation to draw closer to God through contemplating what happened to Jesus as his commitment to nonviolence, right relationship and justice took him to and beyond the cross. May it be so for you!
By Sandy, csj, on January 23rd, 2011  As some of you know, I’ve been reading Carter Heyward’s “Saving Jesus from Those Who Are Right,” though work has kept me from doing much of this… Work has also kept me from a fresh post in over a week, so I must resort to throwing out a topic for conversation without doing a fuller written reflection to start things off.
Heyward has another book called “Touching Our Strength: The Erotic as Power and the Love of God.” I think what I like most about this book is that it resonates with my sense that spirituality and sexuality (not just sex) are closely related. I tend to define sexuality as “energy for relationship.” To the extent that I am not in touch with or try to suppress the whole of who I am as an embodied, sexual being, I am unavailable for loving, mutual relationship with God and the other people on my life, thus the tie to spirituality.
Anyway, Heyward, talks about her coming out openly as a lesbian woman, but tell me, do you think the following passage might relate to anyone who is committed to authentic living?
Whenever we speak the truth of our lives in situations in which our truths are unwelcome, we are like intense light, difficult for others to bear. The primary danger is that our own light may bounce back upon us and blind us.
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