By Sandy, csj, on January 23rd, 2011  As some of you know, I’ve been reading Carter Heyward’s “Saving Jesus from Those Who Are Right,” though work has kept me from doing much of this… Work has also kept me from a fresh post in over a week, so I must resort to throwing out a topic for conversation without doing a fuller written reflection to start things off.
Heyward has another book called “Touching Our Strength: The Erotic as Power and the Love of God.” I think what I like most about this book is that it resonates with my sense that spirituality and sexuality (not just sex) are closely related. I tend to define sexuality as “energy for relationship.” To the extent that I am not in touch with or try to suppress the whole of who I am as an embodied, sexual being, I am unavailable for loving, mutual relationship with God and the other people on my life, thus the tie to spirituality.
Anyway, Heyward, talks about her coming out openly as a lesbian woman, but tell me, do you think the following passage might relate to anyone who is committed to authentic living?
Whenever we speak the truth of our lives in situations in which our truths are unwelcome, we are like intense light, difficult for others to bear. The primary danger is that our own light may bounce back upon us and blind us.
By Sandy, csj, on January 14th, 2011  Perhaps it is a little ironic to be asking this question at a time when it takes very little in the public discourse of the U.S. to “spark” controversy.
So let me be clear – that is NOT the spark I’m writing about here.
Rather, I mean, what is it in your interior life (if you are religious, that might mean in your relationship with God) that gives you the hope and the energy to practice generosity, compassion, bravery, etc. in your day-to-day living?
For me, it’s knowing at a deep gut level that I am God’s beloved, and if I can stay connected with this life-source on regular basis, my heart and actions will be shaped by my experience of God’s profound and unconditional love.
As a Sister of St. Joseph of Baden, I am moved by what our constitions say is our “apostolate of unity.” We exist to promote union with God and with “the dear neighbor without distinction.” So, you see, even though it doesn’t seem like teaching engineering is traditional “nun-work,” and conversations about faith and God don’t come up in the context of electronic design, that spark of desire for union with God somehow affects the manner in which I do the work I do, or at least I hope it does more often than it doesn’t.
For some reason I have also been blessed (sometimes it feels like a curse) with a desire to live nonviolently. To my surprise, this has become a great passion. This way of life, practiced by great leaders such as Gandhi, King, and the Dalai Lama, speaks to me as my way to follow Jesus.
Trying to practice these principles is also heartbreaking, as it is all so clear to me that I have a long way to go. I don’t always resist the temptation to use my sharp wit to skewer someone with whom I disagree, and while I am not alone in this, it gives me little comfort.
And nonviolent resistance does NOT mean being a doormat. I have struggled mightily with things that are done or said in God’s name, especially within my own religion. At times I feel like a deer in the headlights when I experience or witness abuses of power within religious or other societal groups. Especially in religious issues, I have to constantly ask myself if it is worth the risk (to both me and my congregation) to speak the truth. A friend tells me we have to pick our battles. But some of these issues touch a deep sense of authenticity and integrity in me, and I find that silencing my voice does violence to myself.
I guess this post has more questions than answers, but I hope that somewhere in my sharing of the messiness of my struggle to follow Jesus, you will find some encouragement for your own spiritual quest. Blessings to you!
By Sandy, csj, on January 11th, 2011 As my brother Dave pointed out in his comment on my last post, even President Obama as a candidate in 2008 used a “gun metaphor” in response to Republican attacks, speaking of bringing a gun to a knife fight. In my opinion, here is a great opportunity for Pres. Obama to lead by example, not to to try to appease his opponents, but because it takes a true leader to call us all to a “more perfect union” by owning up to his own past failings and pledging to avoid future temptation to lash out when provoked.
In his 2008 speech, “A More Perfect Union,” then-candidate Barack Obama spoke eloquently on race and other issues after he publically condemned the divisive remarks of his pastor:
I believe deeply that we cannot solve the challenges of our time unless we solve them together – unless we perfect our union by understanding that we may have different stories, but we hold common hopes; that we may not look the same and we may not have come from the same place, but we all want to move in the same direction – towards a better future for of children and our grandchildren.
I long for the spark of inspiration and passion that resulted in this speech…I appreciate Obama’s efforts to get things done in Congress, even though I don’t agree with some of the compromises he has chosen to make to avoid gridlock. I miss the Obama of that speech, and I hope he makes an appearance in this time of great turmoil, if only to show us that it is NOT a sign of weakness to own up to past mistakes.
I’ve often said in my 12-step meetings that the scariest step for me was Step 6, “Were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character.” This is because growing up, we all learn coping strategies to help us negotiate the challenges of life, and in some cases these strategies may have protected us from serious psychological or even physical damage. These strategies (for example, “the best defense is a good offense”) do not always work in heathy adult relationships, but to think of God removing them seems a bit like “unilateral disarmament” – if God takes away my coping mechanisms, but you still have yours, what will happen to me?
What I came to realize is that “becoming ready” does not mean that when we take Step 7, God will take away all of our defenses with the wave of a magic wand. It is a lifelong process, God working in me gradually, helping me to overcome my most troublesome behaviors without stripping me of what I need to be safe. It takes trust to “let go and let God,” but it is such a relief to know in making mistakes and doing things I regret, I don’t have to fear owning up to them, because I know that my sincere desire is learn from the mistakes.
Previously, my problem was that I was afraid to admit I wrong or that I made a mistake, not so much because of pride, but because I dreaded the possibility that making mistakes might make me a bad person. I wonder if this inability to take responsibility for unwise statements, to admit to not having all of the truth is what afflicts us as a society these days.
I’d like to write some more on this…but have a doctor’s appointment I have to run off to…I look forward to your responses…
By Sandy, csj, on January 10th, 2011  As virtually everyone in the U.S. knows by now, six lives tragically ended, and one hangs in the balance because a deranged young man purchased a Glock 9 mm pistol with extended clip and proceeded to shoot U.S. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and about 20 others attending a meet and greet with their Congresswoman. My heart goes out to the victims and their families, and I pray that these deaths might come to mark a turning point for us as a nation in our public discourse.
For some reason, this tragedy has come in on me with great impact. It caused me to utter a divisive statement on my Facebook page that some interpreted as blaming Sarah Palin for the shooting. Even though this wasn’t my intent, I realize that I became part of the problem when I used this horrific event to make a point about vitriolic rhetoric in our political speech.
Still, I cannot get out of my mind the chilling video clip of Rep. Giffords warning that such vitriol comes with consequences. We still don’t know the motive for this attack, so we don’t know whether or not Palin’s “gun rhetoric” in her political speech directly motivated this man to “take out a target.” What I do believe is that violent rhetoric, no matter who utters it, creates a climate in which violent action becomes less unacceptable as a response to conflict.
There are plenty of culprits at both extremes of the political spectrum who engage in hate speech and who use violent metaphors when talking about those whose ideas they disagree with. You need only look at the comments on political blogs (left AND right) to see the escalating levels of violent speech.
As much as I dislike the sarcasm, name-calling, and mocking tone of Keith Olbermann concerning conservatives, his special statement on the Tucson shootings seemed sincere enough, and a challenge to all – left, middle, and right – to publically denounce past uses of violent imagery in their speech or other aspects of their public persona, and to pledge to scrub their vocabulary of violent metaphors going forward. His apology for his own demonization of Hillary Clinton during the 2008 primaries seemed genuine, and impressed me.
I also believe that it is imperative for us to call each other to more respectful dialog, ESPECIALLY when we AGREE with the person’s position. It becomes harder for me to dismiss the challenge when it comes from someone I know values my view.
Example: When in grad school at Notre Dame, I returned to my office after a class to find scrawled on the blackboard, “Women should remain barefoot, pregnant, silent, and subservient.” It was signed “Pete,” presumably by my office mate, even though I know him to be too nice a guy to actually do something like that. When I asked him about it and why he didn’t erase it, he told me that he was hoping that I would do something about it. I told him that the person who did it WANTED to provoke me. That it was up to Pete and the group of guys the perpetrator identified with to call him on his attitudes and behavior. Their silence or nervous giggling about their colleague’s increasingly outrageous actions only encouraged more of the same, no matter how much they called him a jerk behind his back.
So, yes, I do call on the Sarah Palins and Sharron Angles and Rush Limbaughs to tone down their rhetoric and ask their fans to do likewise. But I accept that those who disagree with my political views may dismiss me and my challenge, not seeing that I hold those I agree with to the same standard, sometimes at great cost.
By Sandy, csj, on January 1st, 2011  Happy 2011! I chuckle to think of the image of “wiping the slate clean” as a metaphor to beginning a new year, as I know slate boards in classrooms are quickly becoming a thing of the past. Still the idea of second chances and starting fresh is appealing to me as I reflect on what awaits us in the coming year.
I’m actually beginning this new year in much the same way as I ended it, praying about mutuality as the essence of of God. That icon of the Trinity I posted last week depicts this quality in such a beautiful way. And my continued reading of Carter Heyward’s work continues to bless my prayer and meditation.
So now what? How do I respond to the violence in the world around me? How can I challenge coercive, abusive power without being labeled as judgemental or unfaithful? How can I find and offer the encouragement to continue seeking truth while I am seen as representing a Church in which there is no room for questioning? How does one stay in dialog with a party that holds power over and is not available for such dialog?
As my mind rambles on with these questions, I find I need to pinch myself as a reminder of what I know – that God is Love, that God is mutuality, that God is present in even those whose truth is not mine, even if they should try to force their truth on me. I have to believe that we are all capable of mutuality, and it is up to me to make the first move.
Dare I resolve this year to wipe the slate clean of all perceived wrongs done to myself and those I love? Dare I make a little space in my perceptions of people for them to be better than I imagine them to be?
By Sandy, csj, on December 28th, 2010 I’m still reflecting on my blog post of the 23rd and the “train wreck” that came of my posting on Facebook the link to the NCR article about the St. Joseph Hospital story in Phoenix. I have to say that as I struggled to stay in conversation with folks who insisted there was nothing TO discuss once the bishop spoke, I really tried to keep an open mind and kept seeking information that would help me to understand that point of view. It’s really hard work, trying to stay engaged in respectful dialog and run the risk of being misinterpreted as a contrarian with my truth-seeking.
I also went back and re-examined my initial “editorializing” on the piece as I posted the link, and voilà – saw the plank in my own eye. I made an assumption that Bishop Olmstead was more interested in his own “authority” than in the best ethical/pastoral response in a tragic situation. It may or may not be an accurate read on the man, but the point is that in making that comment based on my perception of the tone of his letter to the head of Catholic Heathcare West, I was guilty in passing judgment on him without questioning whether my perception was accurate or colored by the difference in outcome of my own thought and prayer about the situation.
So it seems that no matter how careful I was about trying to stay engaged respectfully once the “train wreck” was underway, I have to wonder if my initial remark indeed set the tone for the subsequent escalation in rhetoric between some of the respondents. Goes to show me…as much as I desire to communicate nonviolently with those who see things differently, I still can let my kneejerk reactions get the best of me. The good news is that I can recognize it without beating myself up, and pledge to pay closer attention to what “pushes my buttons” before responding.
Ain’t life grand?!
By Sandy, csj, on December 23rd, 2010 As we approach the feast of Christmas, I find myself reflecting on the profound self-gift of God in the historical Jesus. And I also find myself challenged to respond to God’s invitation to radical engagement in today’s world, which seems in many ways to be every bit as broken as it was in Jesus’ time.
I’m reading the book by Carter Heyward (perhaps my favorite theologian) called, “Saving Jesus From Those Who Are Right – rethinking what it means to be christian.” As a liberal, lesbian feminist, her message surely falls on deaf ears in the so-called “religious Right” and right-wing political circles. But lest liberal lefties think they are off the hook, Heyward is equally dismayed at incidences of dogmatism of the left.
I’ve written here before about my dismay about the state of (un)civil discourse in our society and politics these days, and some recent events have broken my heart a little more lately…
The one on my mind is the bit of a train wreck on my Facebook page. I had posted a link to a National Catholic Reporter article about the Bishop of Phoenix’s ultimatum to St. Joseph’s hospital. As I could have expected, it generated a lively discussion, but it soon became necessary for me to intervene and remind the respondents to play nice and tone down the rhetoric. Unfortunately one of the respondents (ironic that her view is the one I agree with) decided she could not stay engaged in the conversation and blocked me in her Facebook profile.
Another one from quite a while ago comes from my days as co-director of our then Women’s Studies program here at UDM. The controversy in this case was our web page link to resources relevant to the program, namely, the link to the NOW, because of its pro-choice views. I stood very firmly with our steering committee in defending the academic freedom to have this link on our website. I also suggested that an equally relevant web site to include would be the Feminists for Life, as it would provide students with an alternate viewpoint. When I made this suggestion to the Steering Committee, it was met with a resounding no, on the grounds that the FFL’s views were “dangerous” to women.
So you see, the left can be just as dogmatic as the right, and it pains me to see people I care about, even within my own family, take rigid stands and refuse to engage in honest dialogue about their views and assumptions.
It is in this spirit of longing for integrity and right relationship among all of creation that I offer this excerpt from Carter Heyward’s book:
Spiritual authority is rooted paradoxically in humility. However strong our convictions, humility reflects a realization of our being grounded together in life. Thus we can speak with passion and compassion only as we move confidently into the storms of opposition, listening and speaking with open minds rather than tightening up and becoming brittle in relation to those who disagree with us.
May the paradox of a Savior in the form of an infant bless you profoundly this Christmas season.
By Sandy, csj, on December 19th, 2010  In the midst of a bout with the blahs, and a crazy amount of work stress, I’m somewhat but pleasantly surprised to find myself enjoying a deeply consoling period in my relationship with God.
I share the famous icon of the Trinity by Rublev as a powerful symbol of what I am experiencing as the essence of God – radical welcome, mutual relationship occur to me as words that begin to describe it, though in fact, no words could really get at it completely for me.
What I know about the grace God is giving me these days is both scary and exciting. It seems God is inviting me to the kind of radical inclusiveness practiced by Jesus, and in such a way that breaks my heart to think of myself as a part of any institution or group that does not extend God’s gracious hospitality to all.
This weekend’s news that the DREAM Act that would provide a path to U.S. citizenship for many of our best and brightest students failed to receive enough support to overcome a Senate filibuster makes me sad. This country is the only home many of these kids know, and threats of deportation are very real to students who have no connection, and who may not even speak the language of the countries they were unfortunate enough to have been born in.
The recent ultimatum from Bishop Olmstead of Phoenix to the head of Catholic Healthcare West in California (see the NCR article on this topic for a link to the letter) regarding a difficult decision to terminate a pregnancy to save the mother’s life troubles me deeply, as does the Church’s continued lack of hospitality to faithful Catholics who happen to be other than heterosexual, or whose marriages have ended badly, or who experience the teachings on artificial birth control as a great burden.
In times like these, the world desperately needs to hear the message that God’s “great love” is big enough to embrace all, and that this love is unconditional and offered in mutuality. God wants union with every one of us, and for us to see ourselves in the eyes of “the Other” so that we may experience a one-ness with each other, even if our perspectives on hot-button issues are quite different. Modeling the kind of nonviolent communication that makes this possible is one of my greatest passions, even though it is a quite costly one.
A lot of prayer, personal work, and the support of my CSJ community and others, has helped me to find my authentic voice. What tears me up at times lately is that I have so often chosen not to speak my truth out of respect for my sisters for the consequences they might bear for my speaking truth to power. It is becoming clearer to me that I have very little to offer my community if the psychic cost of self-sensorship continues to accumulate and rob me of my energy for authentic and creative engagement.
Where this might lead? Who knows? I may be in for a wild ride. But as Adrienne Rich has said, “A wild patience has taken me this far.” It may be time for courageous action, at least for this Sister of St. Joseph.
Happy Christmas to all of you!
By Sandy, csj, on December 14th, 2010 There’s just no better way to describe the state of my body and spirit these days than “slogging it out” – and that has very little to do with the accumulation of snow and ice coupled with bone-chilling temperatures. It has been one stretch of stress after another – preparing students for a design competition last May, then getting the final version of our accreditation self-study written and assembled, then designing a website for our sisters over in Lyon, then preparing for the accreditation visit, trying to stay ahead of class preparations, falling behind on grading, and now I have a backlog of grading and a conference paper to write and running empty on the energy.
What happened to the joyful waiting of Advent? Seems like it has turned into the dread-filled waiting of staying in bed until the last possible minute to fulfill the most pressing obligations of each day, unable to muster the energy to get back in the game.
I find myself praying with the two disciples who were making their way to Emmaus after Jesus was executed. They were dejected, wondering how everything they had hoped for in following Jesus had gone so wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not feeling desperate, just a bit disillusioned. And it may not be such a bad thing – I have a tangible sense that God is longing to do something wonderful with my life, and too much comfort with the status quo would impede the difficult grace of change.
The question for me is how to grieve my treasured ideas about what following Jesus would look like without letting the grief paralyze me, stop me from moving forward. As a Sister of St. Joseph, my life is all about union with God – not just my own union with God, but about God’s invitation to every person, to all of creation, to join as one heart in God’s Great Love. That is the consolation for me. The how of that mission is what I need to hold as gift, rather than clench in my tight fists, fearful of an uncertain future.
It occurs to me that there are many people out there who have this charism who are not called to, or are not eligible for some reason to enter a Sisters of St. Joseph congregation. Yes, we have Associates, but I wonder if there isn’t some other form of “religious life” waiting to be explored – one that is relevant and compelling to young people who want to give themselves to this mission of union and want to do that with others who are likewise inspired. (And who are not all “gray hairs” like most of our Sisters and Associates.)
The good news is that I deeply believe that God will take care of making sure the charism survives, even if our institutes do not.
By Sandy, csj, on November 22nd, 2010  First of all, sorry for the long hiatus…the good news is that our engineering accreditation visit went well, and we now have a new UDM president. Things are slowly getting back to a normal pace for me…
But as for today’s topic, I felt moved to share something I heard on the radio last night as I was going to the pharmacy…
The public radio show “On being,” was on, and they were interviewing the Dalai Lama’s english translator. What caught my attention last night is how the Dalai Lama looks at all the difficult news of our time. His take is one of hope, because he sees the fact that violence, poverty, etc. are newsworthy as a reflection that we have higher expectations of ourselves and others. That goodness is the norm, and these items in the news are really out of the ordinary, else they wouldn’t be news.
Talk about “interpreting everything in the most favorable sense,” which is one of our CSSJ maxims.
This gives me heart in the midst of what seems to me like a “siege mentality” gripping segments of our U.S. society and Church. The polarization of this era calls for compassion and love, not judgment and retaliation.
Anyway, food for thought as I launch myself into my grading and teaching duties today.
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